I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
