If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize