just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
