the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize