My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
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