im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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