He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
