He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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