She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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