I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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