im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
sarcasm needs its own font
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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