I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just blew my weed a kiss
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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