Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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