those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
