I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I think people are normalizing furries
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize