I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
