I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
