Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
