Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sext me about skeletons
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
