so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
