The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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