youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
