Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
