I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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