Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize