hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
