If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
