How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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