Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
