You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize