dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
