You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
