my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
