when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
