I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
