When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
