I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
