well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
