I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
