I can text with my tongue
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize