Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize