She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
