you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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