I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
