My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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