remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
