Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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