a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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