Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Two words: blizzard sex
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
