oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I could make wine with my vomit
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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