I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
