so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
