Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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