I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
