I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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