Hey man sorry I got all grabby
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
