I forgot how hot balto sounded
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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