I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
