Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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