My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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