dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
someone owes me an orgasm
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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