Im at strip club and am horny
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
