Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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