Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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