Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
A+ Viking dick
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